Broken Bridges
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IMDB rating: 5.50 Plot: A fading country music star (Keith) returns to his hometown, where he reunites with his childhood sweetheart and also meets his 16-year-old daughter for the first time. |
Also interesting:
find Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans here and buy version for iPod
Actors: Keith Toby,Winans BeBe,Henderson Josh,Newman Daniel,Coulter Steve,Nelson Willie,Reynolds Burt,Jones Leland L.,Anton George,Baker Hunt,Drama,Music,
What can be improved in this story?
HOW CAN IT BE IMPROVED? I WANT IT TO BE THE BEST IT CAN BE! THIS IS JUST A STARTING PARAGRAPH.
He wouldn’t stop. The killer chased me tirelessly over the unpretentious magenta-bricked bridge and into the fathomless dusky wood. The night was so very indistinct, I could only imagine where I was headed. My sister dead, my parents dead. It was inevitable that I was next. My legs were becoming heavy from the long chase that I had been suffering, and I was beginning to slow down. But the thought of the beastly killer only inches behind me eager to snap my neck kept me moving. As I torturingly bolted my legs in a feat to rid myself of the killer, I turned my head around to see him nearing closer. The bloody sharp-edged blade in his hand ready to slice me up.
I turned back around to break away from his sight, but abruptly plunged over a stone that had been laying there, just waiting to foil my escape. I lay on my back in the benumbed branch polluted terrain, my foot in immense pain, I look up to the dark figure nearing closer, with his gangling horned scythe clenched deeply in his fist. I still lay there, opprobrious, the skyscraping trees blanketing us both in darkness, only to see the full moon shadow the killers face. As I looked closely, I could see that he was armed with many weapons. I stared into his dark hooded face and choked on my breath as he lifts the blade over his head.
But to my surprise he drops the blade. Instead, kneels down, grabs my face tightly, picks me up, shoves me onto the tough, brumal trunk of a tree, and starts to bash my face with his cold metal hands. He dropkicks me in the gut every time I’d raise my arms to defend myself. Every blink was a forceful wallop. My face drenched in blood and my body weakened, I let out a helpless moan. He laughs at my pain, drops me and walks away. I struggle myself up with the last of the scarce energy I had left and looked back to see that he had not left. He turns around, reaches behind his back and reveals a brown wooden bat and swings it with a force straight to my head, which leave me on the ground as good as dead. He walks away slowly. This time, for good. My eyes positioned up to the full moon as I saw It blurr out as I lost consciousness.
WHAT CAN BE IMPROVED
THANKS
@Jessica
Really? Twilight? That’s strange, cause I never read it before.
I’m not yelling at anyone. I just wanted those words to stand out against the rest.
sorry
@abby
Yes! Your right. The tenses aren’t right. I had that problem a lot, I didn’t know how to put it to make it sound good. I’m not making it from a thesaurus .
I’m not reading this because I HATE BEING YELLED AT.
-MP
Morbid Poet | Nov 21, 2009
Okay, the whole story could be improved. Twilight. It sounds EXACTLY like Twilight.
Jessica | Nov 21, 2009
Seens fine as it is to me
caroline m | Nov 21, 2009
Thats an awesome story I can’t beleive how good this IS!!!!!!!! It was so creepy to read I almost jumped out of my seat!!!! The only thing you could add to it is that the killer could come back l8r on in the story….Ur reely creative could you help me on this story I made it is not as creative as urs and its just an outline,so its a little short but I’m sure with ur creativity u could think of something to improve it….Clik on the blue link below….
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index; _ylt=AgpCGBxUR6UCctFsczTqcLLsy6IX;_ylv=3 ?qid=20091121103050AAHSPpF
Mz Klumzy | Nov 21, 2009
The descriptive language is amazing. I would look into adding more detail about the blood and pain. If I were writing a story with such violence, I would want my readers to cringe at the material before them.
Very well written.
This Kid | Nov 21, 2009
There are too many odd adjectives at the beginning. It’s clear that you want to be as descriptive as possible, but the "unpretentious magenta-bricked bridge" and "fathomless dusky wood" are distracting. The wood could simply be dusky, and it would have the same effect. I’m also not sure how exactly a bridge is unpretentious or why it would be magenta, but that’s your call. In any case, it seems as if you are writing with a thesaurus and more concerned with word choice than the action. (at least that’s been my problem when I’ve tried to write in the past) I’ve noticed other books with this same issue too, so it certainly wouldn’t stop it from being published or anything.
Also, your tenses aren’t consistent. Sometimes the verb is in present tense, and sometimes it’s in past. It could go either way, although past tense is easier to write in and far more common.
I like the fragmented sentences, I think they add to the action/feeling that is being conveyed. The story is good overall, and I would certainly want to read more. The grammar and wording just need to be cleaned up some.
I hope that helps.
abby | Nov 21, 2009
Hi. I agree with the last user. It sounds like you’re trying to sound as sophisticated as possible. I really wanted more emotion from the character. You’ve told us what’s happened, but how does that make him/her FEEL? What’s the emotion (besides from just "I’m scared." "I’m frightened." "I don’t know what’s going on.") If I may make a recommendation, I think reading this essay by George Orwell will help you.
http://www.mtholyoke.edu/acad/intrel/orw ell46.htm
s d | Nov 21, 2009